Man's Best friend has always been a subject I'd like to look into because I can't stand dogs and I'd never want one as friend nevermind my "best friend" especially big, dumb, dirty dog's that like to shit on the pavement while there owners just stand there oblivious to whats happening. It was just the other day that really got me thinking about this article because as I was strolling down the street in an ordinary fasion I stepped in a massive pill of doggy poop, as I continued to walk down the street dragging my feet along the grass to remove this excrement from between the grip on my shoes I thought to myself.
"Wow, what a great gift my best friend had just left me to step in"
I felt so special that this so called "friend" of mine did all this just for me and nobody else. Okay Sorry just being sarcastic as per-usual what I was really thinking was I wanna find this Slobbering mutt rip its eyes out shove them up its ass so it can watch me beat the crap out of it. I really hate dogs and think we need to have dog laws in this country like in Germany, to be quite honest the Germans dont give a shit when it comes to killing dogs, they kill dogs like no bodies buisness and I agree with them, because there's not a week that goes by when I dont hear about some poor kid getting attacked by some fucking savaged dog and being killed or severly scard for life. Well thats just my opinion on dogs im sure some people do like them so lets take a look at the advantages and dis-advantages of our four legged friends.
Good Points:
You can alway get your dogs to pull your kids around on a slay in the freezing cold while you stay inside and watch television.
When you have a hard days at work you can beat the shit out of it and release some fustration.
When it dies you can eat it.
You can have it stuffed and mounted just the right height for the ideal foot stool.
When you've had enough of it you simply just release it into the wild or back into the sea.
They supposedley scare off burgulars.
You can put a hat and sunglasses on your dog and take amusing pictures of it.
You can push it down a slide into a swimming pool while recording it on a hand held camera send this footage to You've been framed and make 250quid.
Bad Points:
It wont flush down the toilet however hard you poke it.
They attack children.
They shit everywhere.
They eat your mail.
They make alot of noise everytime somebody knocks at your door or visits.
You have to make a 3x3 foot wooden box in the back garden for it to live in.
You have to waste money on feeding it.
You have to take it the shop with you while you go get a packet of cigerettes.
They never stay in the bath however hard you tie its feet together.
When it gets run over you have to pay out a massive bill.
When it get stuck in the U bend you have to pay a plumber to dislodge it from your toilet and bribe him not to tell the RSPCA.
Mans Real Best Friend
Whoever gave dogs this title of "Mans Best Friend" really needs a slap round the face and a kick in the junk for being so stupid. Now take a good look and the right and tell me, Would you rather see this seriously fine piece of ass in your bed or a smelly, bad breathed Dog? You dont even need to think about it, thats really not even a question I needed to ask. Unless your like this dog loving freak who named them "Mans best friend" and should have been destroyed at birth. What I really think is when this idiot gave them this title of "Mans Best Friend" I think they seem to have miss spelt it and added an R by mistake to the word fiend. Seriously whats so special about a some god damn mutt? They dont do as there told, there un-hygenic and they stink.
Top 10They don't make the best of pets for anybody and they aren't really that useful so here at www.phoenixlords.com we have compiled a list of what should really be labelled "Man's Best Friend".
10: Football/Soccer - Football came in 10th because almost everyone likes football or as you Americans like to call it soccer or even as I like to call it a bunch of over hyped, overpaid, media driven wankers prancing around a field like bunch of fairy's kicking a ball.
9: Films - This is another on of my favourites and I think it should have be ranked higher in our chart. Lets face it, who the fuck doesn't like a good movie I own many films and proceed to keep on buying them. P.S Kevin Smith is God and you are his Bitch.
8: Music - Life isn't just complete without music, it can change the mood in an instant wheather your chilling out, getting intimate with your partner or ready for a big night out it sets the scene and always gets you in the mood perfectly.
7: The Simpsons - The greatest show ever made, if you ever say an un-kind word about The Simpsons then you personally need a good slapping because its the best thing ever seen on TV, always has and always will be.
6: Cows - Now heres a very important animal to the human race not only does it have a purpose in life of producing milk and tasty meaty products. Now if dogs ate grass and produced tasty milk then my whole attude towards these slobbering mutts would be totally different but until then im still gonna hate them.
5: The Internet - Well if you dont know what the internet is then you must be either stupid or retarded because if your reading this article you must be connected to the internet. The internet is one of the worlds most popular ways of learning random shit, entertainment, games and looking at porn. The list is endless that why its 5th.
4: Porn - Yes you've guessed it, this filthy image can only represent one thing, Porn! This has to be one of Man's Best Friends, porn came in a close 4th purely because this is a site on the internet and the internet is made up of 97.99% porn and are servey was filled in by porn addicts, and who's to complain because its great.
3: Bed - Who could live without a bed? Its the most comfortable thing known to man. Wheather its a Single, Double or Kingsized, a beds a bed and nothing can compair the amount of comfort it gives you. When your drunk stinking of booze and smoke its always there for you, Your bed loves you no matter what.
2: Women - Just topping porn in are poll is the real thing. Women comes in at number 2 because on the good side you get the sex but on the bad side you have to watch crap television with them like Eastenders and films that feature either J-Lo, Leonardo Di Caprio or Gweneth Paltron you know the dull, garbage films with bad acting. Wow Gangs of New York Flashback.
1: Alcohol - In at number 1 yes you've guessed it could it have been anything else but alcohol, Its the answer to all lifes little problems. Whatever the occation its always there for you. Wheather your rich and famous, or just a low life bum living on the street. Alcohol is always going to be there for you just to help you escape reality for those few amazing hours.
Thats it people we have a new winner from now on when ever you here the words "Man's Best Friend" your not gonna think of picking shit out of the grips on your shoes with a stick or having to call up the dodgy plumber, your gonna think of destroying your liver, serious hangovers and unatractive people who you would never give the quick in-out to layed next to you in bed.
