Dear Granny
I was born with a very rare disease known as Reptilia Genitalia, which basically means I have two penises. Although my siamese twin midget girlfriends love it, I have a hard time when peeing in public restrooms. If I have to pee really bad, I can stand back a bit and pee into two urinals simultaneously, thanks to a high-pressure bladder, but if I only have to pee a wee bit (no pun intended), then it is very difficult for me. So what I would ask you is this: Will you help me campaign to raise awareness about Reptilia Genitalia? It is a very prominent disease - about one in 6 billion are affected. I have some ideas - like if we sold food, we could have two hot dogs stuck together in a bun, and we could sell banana splits except we could glue two bananas together. You see? I have the ideas and the motivation, I just need the support! PLEASE Help me, Granny!
From Double Dick Dude (DDD)
Dear Double Dick Dude (DDD)
I've had many letter in the past from Reptilia Genitalia sufferers asking for help and i've ignored them, but as a subject close to me, your heart filled letter has finally opened my eyes and forced me into taking action. My late 2nd husband Harorld, god rest his soul, used to suffer for Reptilia Genitalia which led to constant arguments about him peeing on the seat that is til he came up with the idea of intertwining both his cocks together like a Curly Whirly for pinpoint accuracy. I'd love to support your campaign we could get celebrities to promote this landmark event, i'm sure the Baldwin family would love to be involved after all they're all identical pricks. My only fault with your campaign is the thought of combining food and addesive could be a serious health and safety hazard risk poisoning supportive people or glueing there mouths shut isn't usually the way forword.
Love from Granny
Dear Granny
What is a good way to ask a girl to a dance... Like something creative, not just going up to them and asking them wanna go to homecoming... i need a good way to ask like go to there house and put something on her lawn asking her or something wierd like that... can you help me???
From Teddy
Dear Teddy
Ride into this girls house on the back of a shetland pony while playing a melody of Tom Jones song's on a Banjo. Just as you finish your hillbilly version of Whats new Pussy Cat, open a box of highly trained dove's to fly up into the sky outside her home and spell out "Would you go to the dance with me?" or if you're short of Dove's "Homecoming?" now if she say no after that she's either a mental, crush by a shetland pony or a gay.
Love from Granny
Dear GrannyI AM IN LOVE WITH MARRIED WOMAN AT WORK
WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO TELL HER?
From Cowboy
Dear Cowboy
First of all learn how to type without the cap's lock on women love that sort of stuff, also change your name from Cowboy its tad bit homosexual. I suppose honesty is key here but try not to just burst out all your emotion's on this poor woman because it my come as a bit of a shock to her and she may run off scared. Just get her on her own and tell this lady exactly how you feel about her. Also the benefits of no people being around will help because if she rejects you your work mates won't over hear and laugh in your face at a pathetic attempt. If she does happen to give you the olde elbow photocopy your genatils and post the pictures through her letter box.
Love from Granny
Dear Granny
i need help. i am 9 years old and i need help to ask a girl out. she likes me,but i don't know if she will say yes. what should i do???
Billy Wilson
Dear Billy
Just go up to young lady and say "Yo, Yo, Yo, Baby you wanna get your swerve on?" I heard somebody say it on an old episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air my grandson was watching, it worked for the trendy black guy so I can see why it won't work for you.
Love Granny XXX
Dear GrannyHi I am 14 years old and live in Spain , my name is Jodie and I have emailed you in the past for a number of resons which I have finally gotten over , I no longer cry myself to sleep because I am missing my old dogs and my eating disorder has gone and my periods are back (and normal),I feel very proud of myself and certainly very happy but there is one slight problem which IŽve had from day 1 of being here in Spain , sometimes , when IŽve had a very bad day(eg , getting bullyed again at school , at home my parents are argueing and I cant sleep and very stressed)I really crave to be back in England just to get away from problems here (or killing myself)although I know thats NOT the answer as my problem wont go away like that , I know I should tell someone about the bullying but I have and all the spanish assholes do is keep warning them and they really get to me. I really love it here because I have so much more do to here (Patio partys , free fun , dance , Iam taking my!
line dance exams , good friends and family , sun , the pool , the becah , exerise and beautyfull places to see)where as in England I would go home from being bullyed and just sit and watch TV all day its just that when things are bad here I get so depressed Iam suisidal!My mum also gets like this she really dont like it here , its perfect for me in good times and like hell for me in the bad times and my dad loves it in both times .I have spoke to my parents about this and they just say that weŽll go back if I want , I dont want to go back to England to live its just I get suisidal when Iam stressed(I do have to be very stressed though and am genurally a very happy young lady)I have also been speaking to a friend who said its a love hate thing when things are good you love it here , when bad you want to die , I would REALLY apresate some very good advice on how do deal with my suisidal.
From Jodie
Dear Jodie
This is by far the most detailed and heart filled letter I've had in the last 20 years, However suicidal you feel don't let these bullies win, they probably don't want you to kill yourself but they must get off on the way you feel. Theres a few ways you could deal with this the first would be to, Lead a revelation against these bastards tell everybody you can to help fight back (i.e teachers, parents, other pupils) The biggest bully is no good when totally out numbered. The second would be a court case, sue these fuckers for every penny they've got, claim that after much bullying your now to scared to leave the house on your own, demand that you get full protective custudy at there expense. The third and final plan would be weapons, you live in spain so getting your hands on a large knive or gun will be quite easy, The next time you see your bully pistol whip the little shit to the ground hit her/him with the handle straight across the bridge of there nose and watch them hit the ground like a sack of shit, now stand on there neck and press the gun so far into there head it leaves a scar, then repeat these words "You ever raise your fucking hands to me or anybody else again and I swere to god, I'll turn you head into a fucking wind tunnel". Grip then by there hair and lift there head of the ground by about 4inchs now, punch them again in there broken nose with your fist as hard as possible making sure you crack the back of there head open on the concrete. Now if this so call bully touchs you again, kill them before you kill yourself.
Love Granny
Dear Old Slag
I have a so-called friend that I really hate, I never liked him EVER but I met him on a PC game and he doesnt understand I hate his fag ass,
here is his e-mail thesaintofkillersltd@hotmail.com please spam it with lesbian porn as I know he will hate it because he is so gay,
thanks a bunch you stupid old fucker.
From Bullet Proof
Dear Bullet Proof
The E-mail address you sent in that post is infact a hotmail account so you should know very well that even without subscribing to any porn sites alone it will recieve atleast 478 new messages via MSN a day either reading "18 year old chicks gets broken in Live on web cam" "Crazy girls get wild and let donkeys blow fat ass nuts in there mouths" or "Stunning Cheerleader wants to contact you for one night stand". As for trying to find Lesbian links out of all the spam MSN send you, it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
P.S You foul mouthed little prick I don't class myself as old I like to call it experiance.
Love Granny
Dear Granny
I'm 19 years old im in love with my own granny I want to have sex with her but im to shy to ask her that, Can you help me get her to have sex with me thanks for your time.
PS: Im realy in love with her so could you plese help me get into her.
Thanks Allan Shearer.
Dear Allan Shearer
Your very one sick, twisty child and I think you should have been destroyed at birth, the answer to your question is No, I know that most of us elderly ladies are unresistable to youths but you have to draw a line somewhere, shes your Mum's, mum that makes her forbidden fruit.
Fuck off weirdo from Granny
Dear Granny
I need help. I am 9 years old and I need help to ask a girl out. she likes me, but I don't know if she will say yes. What should I do?
From Billy Wilson
Dear Billy
Keep a cool head, dont get all embaressed and especially don't piss your pants infront of her, because most women dont relate to that sort of thing. Buy her a bunch of nice flowers and suprise her with them, tell her how beutiful she is and how you feel about her, then ask her out. At this point she'll hopefully love you, if not dont give up there and keep trying until your resticted from going within 200 yards of her by a restraining order.
Love From Granny
Dear Granny
Hello im 17 years old . Im looking for my dad that I never knew or met. I only know his first name and that he was in the Amry. Can you help me find him.
Thank you from Patricia Billmyer
Dear Patricia Billmyer
My father was in the Navy I never really knew who he was either in fact I never even knew his first name, In fact im not totally sure which one it was because my mother was a bit of a slut shed had more soilders in her than a soft boiled egg. My father ran off with is male lover to Bankok to follow his dream and become a podium dancer in a gay cabrera club never to see us again, he left my mother to raise me all alone, sorry I dont really like to talk about it that much. As for your letter I found it very moving, but why the hell do you wanna get intouch with this piece of shit? He never gave a fuck about you before so why do you think hes gonna care now. If I was you I go out get drunk and find yourself a new dad one you can have sex with and not be arrested for it.
Love from Granny
Dear Granny
How come there hasn't been any updates on this website for ages? Im a big fan of the Instigators work and I would really like it if he updated the site more often will you tell him to get his fucking finger out of his ass and do some more articles and do some work to your great website.
Love from Sarah Hilton
Dear Sarah
I resently spoke to my grandson and he said that his staff are working every hour of the day to update the site and hes gonna start to update his site personally as soon he get out of prison, I've told him that his amry of loyal fans (both of em) want more updates and he says that hes currently updating the site at the moment hes also improving his amazing HTML skill's to make the site more appealing to the eye. So please bare with us and watch out for more updates.
Thanks for your letter love Granny
Dear GrannyI've currently been working with explosives and I fear I maybe turning into a complete psycho. 1st off I thought is was fun to rig people's mail boxes and laugh at there lack of limbs once i'd blown them off, but the fun didn't last so I needed to blow something bigger up. I moved onto cars and houses etc, I still get a bit of a buzz from it but I feel un-full filled, and I need something bigger so im currently working on Biological and Chemical Weapons for some serious mass destruction. I figured it out that if I provide my homemade C4 with a mixture of VX Nerve Gas and Stainless Steel ball bearing's I could wipe-out a average sized town and cause some serious damage, do you think that full fill my dreams? I dont know where this addiction to explosives came my psychiatrist believes its probably from my mothers death, she died in a car bomb accident 2 years before I was born. Also my girlfriend is saying that my little hobby is spoiling our sex life by the time she's removed my Ballistic Face Shield, 14 Layers of Kevlar body armour and Fire Proof Clothing she cant be bothered to have sex with me. Should I loose my hobby to keep the girlfriend happy or full fill my dreams?. By the way its only one town theres lots more and i'm sure a nice guy like me could find a better girlfriend who shares the same interests.
From Gary
Dear Gary I fear for the safety of yourself and your so called girlfriend to be honest I think your a total fucking psychopath who needs to be locked away, How can you think of killing all those innocent people? just to full fill your so called dreams, if thats what you dream about I dont think I would ever sleep again if I was you. Also finding a new girlfriend you should think yourself lucky you've even got a girlfriend a total nutter like you doesn't deserve any friends never mind a girlfriend also how is possible that your mother died 2 years before you was born I think your dad just told you that cause your mother was a drunk slut who never gave a shit about you and probably sold you to qwench her alcholic thirst.
Love Granny
Dear Granny
I need help I have had a lot of girlfriends but I do not feel satisfied most of the time I feel suicidal please help me.
From Andrew Brooke
Dear Andrew
You poor young man I know exactly how you feel ive had many lovers myself but a woman of may age doesn't seem to get laid that often anymore, I dont know why cause after 13 pints of stella down my local bingo hall im as lively as anybody im always "getting my groove on" as you youths like to call it to Brian adams Summer of 69. My last lover was useless in bed I was the one un-satisfied the phrase I like to say is throwing a sausage down an allyway if you know what I mean, but thats old age for you, So my idea for you Andrew is you should go for a younger girl I dont mean serious Jailbait and someone whos not very intelligent and the only words that come out of her mouth are "I LOVE WESTLIFE" what you need is someone bright ,loving and caring if that doesn't work out suicide isn't the answer, suicide? is a question and the answer is YES.
Love Granny
Dear Granny
Im in the need of some serious help my mother died 4 years ago in a car accident on the way home from work when I was 14. It was devastating for me and my dad couldnt cope with it so he turned to drink hes been a alcoholic for 3 years now and when he comes home from work pissed nearly everyday and beats me he takes all his anger out on me and I cant put up with his shit anymore some times he beats me so fucking hard I cant even stand up. Hes never had another woman since mum died and a few weeks ago he started touching me and smelling my hair telling me I was just like mum I was so scared and I just ran out to my friends house I thought he was gonna rape me granny please help me
Love from Michelle Hayes
Dear Michelle
I feel so sorry for you your father isnt fit to be on this earth he sounds like a sick pervert ive still got your address and other details from the email you sent so ive come up with a master plan and me you and my grandson are gonna torture him when your father is out at the pub getting drunk a week on Friday ill get my Grandson come round to your home you let him into your house about 22:00 just before your dad gets back make sure nobody sees you let him in. He will hide behind the front door as your dad walks in just before your dad start swinging at you my grandson will leave of from behind the door and pistol whip that son of a bitch to the ground while hes out cold your gonna gaffer tape him to a chair and gag him also doing the same to you (but without the pistol whip part) so your father doesnt suspect you. We could kill him there and then but this idiot needs some pain and fear so torture is the answer. Then using a pair of bolt cutters well cut off his fingers start with his thumb and then his little finger after that this prick will never be able to wipe his own arse again never mind hit you. Now we will ring for an ambulance and leave you at home till they get there they will untie you and ask you what happened explain like you didnt have a clue and we all get away scott free and if he touches you again then we will have to terminate his life.
Love Granny
